Thursday, October 19, 2006

Accepting things as they are

I am so tired of fighting this ADD thing. I'm more fighting myself I guess.

Let me back up a moment:

For as long as I can remember, I have had a headache. It always hurts never lets up.
At one time in my life, it got to the point that I was having migraines. I went to the Emergency room and they gave me a shot to stop it. Oh my gosh!! The next day, I woke up and there was NO HEADACHE!!
I soooooo wanted that feeling again! So I tried to get treatment for headache pain. I ended up taking stuff like midrin, fiorocet, etc etc.... Well, the more I treated the more I had worse headaches... I got frustrated with the whole thing. I gave up...

The severe headaches are gone. I have a constant little headache every single day. But, I have accepted the fact that I will always have a headache and there is nothing I can do about it. Sometimes I don't even notice that its there, the pain is just a part of my day to day life.

Now the ADD: sigh..... I am sick of trying to figure this out. I am taking concerta and thought that it was not working as well as it had been. You see, I had a taste of what it was like to be truly in control of my thoughts and emotions. I stayed on top of things, I was patient, I stayed in pretty much a good mood but still had the normal ups and downs of day to day life. This went on for an entire YEAR!

This year, I tried to go up... oh not a good idea! I was more cranky and if I so much as had one soda, my hands would be all jittery. Plus it made my existing headaches magnified in intensity.
I went back down to my normal dosage after about 4 days.
I'm now supposed to journal about my days, how I feel, etc... And go back to the Dr. And discuss it. I figured out by journaling that my problems with zoning out, and not focusing on tasks may not be the fault of my ADD. The medicine IS working. BUT, when I get the slightest amount of stress, I turn loopy.

comorbid anxiety... sheesh! That was part of my diagnosis. I just didn't believe it at the time. So, now, I am wondering if I should just treat all this like my headaches.
Maybe what I'm doing is the best I can do? Should I just accept the fact that I'm going to get nervous and act like an idiot every time I feel under pressure? Maybe it's just a fact of life.

Funny, how I will most likely be less stressed out if I just accept the fact that I get stressed out. LOL
I"m still not exactly sure what I'm going to do.