Anxiety and ADHD revisted

I wonder how many Avoidant Behaviors we have as a result of our ADHD?
My therapist, who tells me that my most presenting problem is not ADHD, says that I exhibit a lot of Avoidant Behaviors.
Well, I did some research and found that there is actually a disorder called Avoidant Personality Disorder.

Avoidants tend to shy away from situations that would cause them Psychological pain.
They may avoid parties and social situations unless they are certain that they will be liked.
They spend too much time focusing on what other people think of them that they may appear to have problems with attention. AHA! Thus, the crossover with ADHD symptoms.
COULD it be possible that I do NOT have ADHD? Could it all be anxiety after all??

The idea is both exciting and scary. Just when I think I have an answer.. just when I have gone through all the grief then acceptance that I have this so called learning disability.... I find out that it could be something else.

Or, ""shudder"" something added on top;(
The Good news is that, if the anxiety gets treated then the ADHD gets better as well, OR I no longer have problems with attention/organization.. oooooo.

Wouldn't that be awesome? Or, am I setting myself up for a fall?

WOW! Great for calming my ADHD mind !

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I was exploring Itunes and happened across this young man. He is 20 years old and has such a soothing, Spirit filled voice!
There's just something about his music.... I am loving it! Check it out!

What a great Christmas!

Well, sort of anyways..
I absolutely LOVE large family Christmases! The huge crowd of happy people chatting about anything and everything... Seeing family I haven't seen in since, well, LAST Christmas! Taking time just to visit, have fun, and just be.....
The smell of every kind of rich food - one -would-normally- never-eat- cause - I'm -on -a -diet-type fare.. tantalizing the olfactory nerves...
mmmmmmm... I never eat like I do at Christmas... oh, and PIE.. hee hee... I have that for breakfast every morning for a week! LOL
Then I diet for 6 months to get rid of all the excess poundage ;(
Ahhh but I ramble... but gee.. we're talking about pie here..........

Anyway, I do love the big get togethers... Unfortunately it didn't seem to happen this year.
My parents, sis and bro remained out of state. My cousins, Aunt and Uncle were here.. but for some reason we weren't invited to the usual Xmas Eve Festivities... Maybe the house was just too full... My cousins have had quite a growth in family members.. I don't know, but that is one of the things I am trying not to dwell on... 'cause it could be any number of reasons that I am not aware of...

We had a quite dinner at home with my son, daughter ( home from college!! Gosh I missed her so much!), and DH. it was nice.. We opened presents together and enjoyed each other's company. That's what is important. It just seemed, well, less festive.... but certainly not less enjoyable..

Xmas day we went to my niece's house... ahhhhh there we go! Grandparents, Grandchildren, niece and hubby, in-laws.. yep... in my element!! hee hee...
Looks like maybe, just maybe, the big family Christmases will still be around after all.... whew! What a relief! ooooooo and so totally cool!! I DIDN'T HAVE TO COOK!
So, how does this apply to an ADHD blog?
I think it's one of the gifts of an ADD'led mind: We like the excitement, the action... small and quiet just might be not enough stimulation. I know that some might be overwhelmed with all the added distraction of so many people. Not me, I thrive on it.

Nothing gets my mind in gear better than a little chaos ;)

Updating my life after WOW a year??

Wow! I can't believe it has been so long since I have updated this blog! A lot has happened since last year...
I did find a psychologist through the local Psychological association. However, I found out later that he did not take my particular brand of insurance, so I am paying full price.. arrrgggghh!
I am still seeing him and, to be honest, it has been worth every penny! CBT is really irritating at first. I would leave therapy so angry at my therapist, or so sad because every negative thought got challenged head on.. and um... I like to be right!! LOL
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It turns out that I have been dealing with both depression and anxiety in addtion to my ADHD. Wow, no wonder I had a hard time with day to day things!
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I am off of the Welbutrin. I have been for about 6months or so. I am hoping that I won't have to go on it ever again... but it did help. It is easier to just take the pill than it is to constantly fight it when you get negative thoughts and ideas.. but so much more fulfilling to know that I did it myself..
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I still have negative thoughts, but now I have the skills to counteract those "cognitive distortions" as they are called. LOL I feel like a lawyer in my own mind.
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As for my struggles with ADHD... oh yeah, they are still there.. big time. But I am learning to not be quite so hard on myself. Sometimes to even laugh at my so called idiosyncrasies...
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I have to... I have to be an example for my son. He needs to see a successful ADDer...
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He was diagnosed this month. "2E is what he is called.... Gifted but with ADD.... Oh boy.. here we go again..

CBT

After the Holidays are over, I plan on looking for a Psychologist specializing in CBT, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
I have read that CBT is extremely beneficial for Anxiety and Adult ADD. I figure it is worth a shot.
I am doing well on the wellbutrin ( no pun intended.) but I don't like marinating my brain in so many chemicals.
I had asked my PCP what he thought about that kind of therapy and he had commented that the antidepressants only mask symptoms, the problem is still there.
His quote was " CBT is actually more of a cure"
OK, sounds good to me... gonna give it a try.

But I'll tell ya, searching for a therapist with a PHD is no easy task! It's just as anxiety producing as anything I ever saw! Plus the fact that I feel like I've been dropped in the middle of an ocean and told to try to find my own way to shore..

When I asked my DR. If he could recommend anyone, he said that due to FERPA regulations he didn't know anything about any mental health professionals. One of the bad side effects of these privacy laws... You can't get a referral from your PCP for one anymore.
Funny how we have to have so much extreme privacy medically and at the same time have virtually no privacy in other things due to the Patriot Act.
Although I certainly understand the well meaning intentions behind both laws, the backlash from them causes a whole new set of problems!

But I digress, I have been told to try the Psychological Associations and there are referral searches right there on the websites. Most of the PHD's are at least an hour's drive away from me.. sheesh! I will not take off work for this, I just can't.
So, that restricts my search...
I tried a bit but then decided it would be best to wait until after the holidays.
I will post again if I find out a better way to search for help. I don't know if anyone reads this thing or not, but just in case.. Having info on finding a mental health professional is worthy of sharing ;)

Anxiety or deprssion? Ay that's the question...

wow, it's been awhile since I have posted ;)
I did do the journaling thing and I did go back to the Doctor after all.
Funny, he put me Wellbutrin in addition to the Concerta. I am now on Wellbutrin 300mgs a day and Concerta 36mgs. a day.
The reason why it's "funny" is that Wellbutrin is not the usual antidepressant that is used for anxiety. I checked on the net and there have been no clinical trials thus far to see if Wellbutrin is an effective treatment. Hmmmmm.

As far as my reaction to the Wellbutrin however, it has been very positive. The 2nd week I began to have chest pains. Scared the crap out of me!!
After talking to the nurse, we agreed that it was most likely increased anxiety ( panic attacks?) or some mega superman gas.. whew! All I know is that it hurt and my heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest. I went and took my BP and it was normal, my Heart rate was elevated buy still normal. OK, so now I know a tast anyway of a mild panic attack. ( That was mild? Geez I don't EVER want to know what a full blown one feels like!)

A couple weeks later, the beneficial part started kicking in. I do feel calmer, and oh my gosh do I ever have a TON of energy! Concerta NEVER did that and I kinda thought that it would because it was a stimulant.

So, was a suffering from anxiety, depression or both? Not quite sure. but which ever it was the wellbutrin is definatley helping. I'm even less particular about how things are done. ummm I guess I mean that I am less perfectionistic and also more even tempered.

I am HAPPY.. wow, I have always been doing fine... I thought that was happy.. Nope, happy is a clearly different emotion than just "fine"
Happy means you feel like smiling when no one else is around.....

Come to think of it, maybe I have been suffering from a little of both.
I don't have the exact number, but I seem to remember that it was around 60% of Adult ADDers do suffer from some form of depression or anxiety along with their ADD. It rarely travels alone..

Accepting things as they are

I am so tired of fighting this ADD thing. I'm more fighting myself I guess.

Let me back up a moment:

For as long as I can remember, I have had a headache. It always hurts never lets up.
At one time in my life, it got to the point that I was having migraines. I went to the Emergency room and they gave me a shot to stop it. Oh my gosh!! The next day, I woke up and there was NO HEADACHE!!
I soooooo wanted that feeling again! So I tried to get treatment for headache pain. I ended up taking stuff like midrin, fiorocet, etc etc.... Well, the more I treated the more I had worse headaches... I got frustrated with the whole thing. I gave up...

The severe headaches are gone. I have a constant little headache every single day. But, I have accepted the fact that I will always have a headache and there is nothing I can do about it. Sometimes I don't even notice that its there, the pain is just a part of my day to day life.

Now the ADD: sigh..... I am sick of trying to figure this out. I am taking concerta and thought that it was not working as well as it had been. You see, I had a taste of what it was like to be truly in control of my thoughts and emotions. I stayed on top of things, I was patient, I stayed in pretty much a good mood but still had the normal ups and downs of day to day life. This went on for an entire YEAR!

This year, I tried to go up... oh not a good idea! I was more cranky and if I so much as had one soda, my hands would be all jittery. Plus it made my existing headaches magnified in intensity.
I went back down to my normal dosage after about 4 days.
I'm now supposed to journal about my days, how I feel, etc... And go back to the Dr. And discuss it. I figured out by journaling that my problems with zoning out, and not focusing on tasks may not be the fault of my ADD. The medicine IS working. BUT, when I get the slightest amount of stress, I turn loopy.

comorbid anxiety... sheesh! That was part of my diagnosis. I just didn't believe it at the time. So, now, I am wondering if I should just treat all this like my headaches.
Maybe what I'm doing is the best I can do? Should I just accept the fact that I'm going to get nervous and act like an idiot every time I feel under pressure? Maybe it's just a fact of life.

Funny, how I will most likely be less stressed out if I just accept the fact that I get stressed out. LOL
I"m still not exactly sure what I'm going to do.

Worries worries everywhere nor a time to think...

Oh sigh...
I am working like crazy lately. I have really been doing well on the day to day stuff. Dinner is cooked everynight. ( woohoo!!) The house is, well, somewhat clean, and my classroom looks pretty terrific!

So why have worries??

Its the non -day to day stuff that is getting to me, now.

I have several Long term projects that I have to do. I now have responsibilties that are being asked of me that I am so scared that I am going to completely screw up.

I have to do a program for PTA. I have no idea what to do. I don't even know where to start. sigh.... where is all that creativity that ADDers are so called famous for? I could really use some about now....

As a result of treatment, I have also become more involved in my kids afterschool activities. It has been so much fun! BUT, now I'm getting pressured to take on a bigger role than simply parental support. Some of it involves record keeping... I came very close to telling the person that they really don't want an ADDer overseeing the organizational part of their activity!!

I am learning to keep my mouth shut. I am telling less people that I have ADD. But that guy... ooooooo I was tempted.

As I work through the mountain of activities, maybe things will get easier... Saying no has become an automatic reponse lately, --- I simply can NOT take on anything more.

Sherry